Two Months Home

It's been two months since Eli was placed in my arms, and it's been a whirlwind. If you saw my post last month, you many have spent the month worried about my mental health, and I am happy to say that although I am still very much in the trenches of this mothering thing, at least we're smiling at the end of two months.

The first big change is that Rose is starting to adapt to Eli's presence in the house. Instead of hitting him hundreds of times a day, she's down to a few, usually right after their naps when she's grumpy, or when he has taken something from her. She also likes to pinch him when they're sitting in the stroller together, but I feel like what we've got now is normal sibling behavior and not attempted murder.

When I first approached Ed about adopting again, it was because I felt strongly that Rose needed a buddy down at the end of the family, and while Eli is much more than just Rose's little buddy, I am happy to see that relationship emerging as well. Whenever she wakes up in the morning, she always goes looking for "Ly-ly" and if I'm not quick enough she'll often wake him up. Their favorite time of day is definitely "twin tickle time" when I lay them side-by-side on the floor and tickle them until they're out of breath. Then do it again and again until my hands fell like they'll fall off.

We've moved into a stage where I don't feel like I'm quick enough to manage them, but it doesn't feel like our world is imploding, either. This afternoon, the house was quiet for five minutes, so I enjoyed watching Sherlock while I folded laundry, and the reward for that solitude was a whole bottle of shampoo poured onto Eli's head and all of the bath toys, with the remainder dumped into the entire roll of toilet paper they unrolled. We had to fix our pantry door because they were getting in there multiple times a day and spilling food. Emptying the dishwasher while they're both grabbing things out and throwing them onto the floor feels like a challenge right out of The Amazing Race.

Eli doesn't seem to be gaining weight and growing big like Rose did last year, but it's always hard for me to tell since I'm with him day to day, and he didn't have as much to make up for as Rose did. He's a good eater, and he's sleeping well once we finally get him to sleep, but the bedtime routine can take anywhere from five minutes (if someone else is putting him to bed) to an hour and a freaking half (if I'm the one in there). He still isn't at the point where he can go to bed without someone in the room with him. Maybe by next month....

Eli had his first appointment at the Shriner's Hospital a week after we got home, and he's now on his fifth and final cast (blue, kelly green, purple, orange, lime green) for his club foot. He's also had a tendon release procedure. In two weeks, he'll trade in his cast for a brace, and he'll be able to resume his favorite pastime, taking a bath. We're waiting to hear when he'll go in for the first of his four hand surgeries-- we're hoping it happens soon.

So all in all, things are going well. Life is slowly returning to normal. And we are so delighted to have this little guy in our lives.

Book Review: The Blood of Flowers by Anita Amirrezvani

Title: The Blood of Flowers
Author: Anita Amirrezvani
Enjoyment Rating: ****
Source: Audible
This book would be rated: R for some very adult sex scenes

When I started this audiobook I only knew a couple of things about it-- that it takes place in 17th-century Iran, and that it drew heavily on the Arabian Nights tales. So the early chapters, in which the nameless protagonist loses her father, travels with her mother to the city of Isfahan, and takes shelter with the family of her uncle, who is a rug-maker for the shah, seemed pretty much like I was expecting. She is also a rug maker, so she learns some valuable lessons in the household, but her impetuousness irritates her aunt. Then the girl, at the ripe old age of sixteen, is sold into a concubinage with a horse trader. At the time, it was legal (and okay in the eyes of God) for a man and a woman to have sex as long as they were contracted to each other. The girl's contract was renewable every three months, which meant that the end of the time period he could renew the contract (and pay her family more money), let the contract expire, or marry the girl. As she spends time with her husband, she learns a lot about herself-- both as a sexual being and as a self-respecting individual. And then, for a time, everything in her life seems to fall apart, until it comes back together.

The language of The Blood of Flowers is beautiful, and Amirrezvani does a wonderful job tying together the girl's story with folk tales that mirror or support the events in the narrative. It was also a delight to find the inner workings of the mind of a girl who, on the street, would have been covered from head to toe in a dark cloth. In much of the book, the girl suggests that her life has been difficult because of a comet that passed through the sky in the opening pages, and for a modern reader, that feels awfully capricious. When the girl's life is in a downward spiral, it seemed that her fate turned around in a similarly random way. All in all, though, a book I thoroughly enjoyed. For audiobook listeners-- don't be put off by the narrator's voice in the early chapters. She has a very strong accent, which makes her a little bit hard to understand until you get into the rhythms of the reading, and then she feels like the perfect choice as a narrator.

Their first Mamas

I wish they could see them, these two beautiful babies. The babies that we share.

I wish they knew that they're not just alive, not just safe, but thriving. That beauty has come from ashes.

I wish they knew that Rose and Eli are loved. Fiercely, protectively, and completely. And not just by their parents, but by their brothers and sisters, their grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends.

I wish they knew that their tears are wiped dry, their booboos kissed, and their bad dreams chased away.

I wish I could ask them questions about their pregnancies, their lives, their family histories, and the wishes and dreams they have for these children.

I wish they could know that they're honored. We don't talk about how Rose and Eli were found without qualifying those finding stories by talking about the taboos against special needs, with the lack of affordable health care, with the unforgiving nature of the one-child policy, with all that we don't know that went into why I am now their mother.

I wish they could know that they're whole in every way. That Eli's foot is straight enough for him to walk on, and that soon he will have ten fingers that move independently of each other. But that even with his hands the way they are, that he can pound on the piano, throw a ball, and feed himself with a fork. That the scar on Rose's lip is the last thing most people see, because they're so taken with her shining eyes and the little ball of fire that's always climbing, jumping, and striving.

I wish they could see how smart these two are. How Eli mimics everything his big sister does. How hard he's trying to talk. How Rose knows exactly how to get whatever she wants out of her smitten parents.

I wish they could know that their children have a future. That they will never be limited by their disabilities. That they will go to preschool and high school and college. That they'll go to Disneyland and the top of the Eiffel Tower and back to the land of their birth.

I wish they could know how their children have made everyone in our family better people. How I finally had to learn to be patient and relinquish control while I was waiting for them, and how that has served me my fifth and sixth times around as a mother. How they've allowed Ed the hands-on fatherhood time he missed when our older children were born during his medical training. How Bryce, Annie, Isaac and Maren no longer shrink when they see people who are different from them. How adopting children from China has pulled us, just a little bit, outside of our own privileged lives.

I wish they, these first Mamas, could know how grateful I am that they carried and bore Rose and Eli, that they had the grace and bravery to share them with us.

I wish I could wrap my arms around them and say "thank you."  But since I can't, I'll snuggle the children they bore just a little bit tighter today.

Running and Racing

One of the highlights of my year for the last five or six years has been my spring marathon. I love shaking off the winter sloth and getting myself back into racing shape. For the last two years, I've been lucky enough to do that by racing down Ogden Canyon in what has got to be the most beautiful course in Utah marathons (I know, all the canyon marathons are gorgeous, but this one has my heart). Last fall, I entered into the lottery for this year's race, knowing that life would be crazy, but also confident that it would be manageable enough for me to be able to get away for one morning and run the race.

The truth is, I could get away for a morning and run the race. I could probably clock a respectable time, too. And it would probably be fun.

But I'm not going to run.

It's true that Annie has a dance competition that day. I thought the competition would be early in the day, which would require me to find a ride up to Lagoon for her, then drive directly from the race to the amusement park, where I'd sit all day in my filth (at least until I went on Rattlesnake Rapids and got soaked). But I just found out that we don't even have to be at the park until 3:15, which would have given me plenty of time to get home, shower, take a quick nap, kiss my babies, and head out.

And it's not because I don't want to burden Ed with the kids all day. In fact, he has told me repeatedly that I should run the race.

I think it all comes back to my motivations for running marathons. I used to get a lot out of being one of the fastest girls on the road. I used to want to push myself harder and harder. I used to get upset when I didn't PR. I used to have a lot of my identity wrapped up in my speed. It was a way for me to distinguish myself-- to be more than "just" a mom of a bunch of little kids. And it really worked for me for a long time.

But this spring, I'm just trying to keep afloat. While I write this, Rose and Eli are emptying my dirty laundry basket, which at this time of day is stocked with everything I need to take downstairs-- laundry, cookbooks, dirty cups, and probably a few poopy diapers. When I go into the next room, I'll find another mess. We'll clean those up, run an errand, make lunch, start the laundry, put the babies down for a nap just as Bryce is coming home from school, and so on. In terms of the mental challenge of my life experience, feel like I'm running a marathon every day of my life. I can know see that there's no "just" about being a mom. Although I've been clocking 60 mile weeks and somehow got in all my 20 milers even with China and Ed's crazy work schedule, my head is not in the racing game right now. Running is a lifeline, a sanity, a much-needed escape to be with friends or just by myself. And although a good speed workout still gives me a rush, I'm not pushing myself like I did in the past. As a result, I doubt I'd run a fast race, and then there would be just one more thing to feel guilty about (as if the toddler battles and the lack of piano practice and my inability to just generally keep my life together like I used to weren't enough). I do feel like I'm starting to get my groove back, but I don't need a race to either a) prove I'm there, or b) show me that I'm not.

But I did train. I did work hard. And so, when everyone is getting up at their hotels in Ogden, I'm going to be heading out my door, to embark on my own little solo marathon. I've mapped out a route from here to the Capitol and back. I'll plant Gatorade and leave my Garmin at home. I already know where all the portapotties and bathrooms are. It won't be as scenic as Ogden, but it will do. And, as a bonus, I'll come in first!

And after that race is done, I'm sure that Rose and Eli will be waiting for me at the door. They'll probably even leave me some surprise messes around the house. The next week, I'll start to train hard. Because it's only four months until my fall marathon, and I'm going to be ready.

Book Review: 14 by Peter Clines

Title: 14
Author: Peter Clines
Enjoyment Rating: ****
Source: Audible
This book would be rated: R for language, sex, and violence

Nate is in his thirties, but still hasn't found his groove. He's working a dead-end job and living with roommates who all seem to be going places. He needs to find a new job, a purpose in life, and maybe a girl to share it with, but first he needs a new place to live. When he finds an apartment that's almost too good to be true, (in Hollywood, with a view of the Observatory, for $500/mo, including utilities), he jumps on the chance to make a move, and maybe get his life in gear.

But Nate's new apartment building is decidedly weird. At first it's just little stuff-- the black light in his kitchen, the strange hole in his closet, the apartment without the doorknob, but then he finds bigger things that don't make sense and starts talking with the neighbors about it. This starts him off on a quest to discover the secrets of the building.

See it right there on the cover? The comparison with LOST? At first, I felt like I was listening to the first few seasons of LOST, where everything is shiny and new and plenty confusing. I felt like I was trying to figure out a puzzle. It felt like the most satisfying book I'd read in a very long time. And then, as the book started to wind to a close, just like in LOST, things got decidedly weird (and I'm not talking about the final episode). I would rate the first 80% of the novel five stars, the next 19% two stars, and then the last few pages redeemed the story. The book also reminded me of Stephen King's 1963 book, but it was a less satisfying read for me.

2012 Whitney Finalist Wrap up

This weekend authors, editors, publishers, bloggers, and their fans will convene at the Provo Marriott for the announcement of the 2012 Whitney Awards. Which means that, for me at least, my work is done for another nine months. Despite the trip to China, the two toddlers demanding my days and the four bigger kids demanding my evenings, I somehow managed to finish all forty books. The Whitney reading always falls during the Academy Awards, and I'll admit that sometimes I'm a little jealous of those judges-- they can just watch movies! But this year, I was really impressed by the quality of the finalists, and now that I'm four years into this endeavor, I can definitely see progress in the work that is being chosen as finalists. So congratulations to all of the authors-- you are doing great work.

In the spirit of a wrap up, here are my thoughts about the books nominated in all eleven categories:

General: Although the General category is where my heart is as a reader (and a writer-- if I ever have a novel published, I am sure it would be a "General"), I didn't have very high hopes for the General books this year. Over the last couple of years, the books have seemed a lot more like Inspirational fiction than contemporary fiction for a general audience (which is how I would define "General"), but I was pleasantly surprised that only one of the books felt overtly Inspirational (The 13th Day of Christmas), while the others all felt more like true Generals. Both Paige and The Night on Moon Hill were engaging but somewhat uneven. I found myself completely caught up in the story of The Rent Collector but had some issues with the narrative voice. But I was delighted by Ka Hancock's Dancing on Broken Glass. I read it late in the contest, when I'm not above skimming a bit when the stories drag, and this was a book that I just couldn't skim. In fact, I was sad when the book ended. It was a tearjerker, but the story felt organic and not designed just to give readers a good cry.

Historical: When I read the Whitney finalists, I do it with a bunch of readers from Segullah. We vote as a group, and therefore always have lively discussions about our choices. This year, we felt equally drawn to two books in the Historical category, but for very different reasons. I loved Carla Kelly's finalists in the Romance category last year, and her Historical finalist, My Loving Vigil Keeping, was just as rich as those books were. I found the book nearly impossible to put down, and since I was not familiar with the mine disaster that inspired the story, I felt that I was learning a lot about both the history of Utah and the melting pot culture of a mining town. We also really enjoyed James Goldberg's The Five Books of Jesus, which was poetic and a little bit mystical as it retold the events in Christ's ministry. It was probably the most ambitious book in the contest, and I'm always happy to see Mormon writers gently pushing against the boundaries of our comfort zones as readers.

Romance: While it's often easy for the Segullah readers to come to a consensus, our opinions diverged the most in the Romance category this year. We were almost evenly divided in our admiration for Krista Lynne Jensen's Of Grace and Chocolate, which might be more aptly named a Romantic Thriller, Melanie Jacobson's Smart Move (I love how both books make the Mormon part of the story feel organic), and Julianne Donaldson's Regency Romance, Edenbrooke. Once again, the Romance category was full of strong contenders and delightful to read.

Mystery/Suspense: I would bet that the authors in the Mystery/Suspense category were just a little bit happy when Josi Kilpack was president of the Whitney Academy and her books were not able to be considered for awards. But her reign is over, and for me, the category was clearly Kilpack v. Kilpack. I felt that there was a lot more interesting interior tension in Banana Split, the Hawaiian installment of Kilpack's culinary mysteries, and it was the obvious choice for me. However, I'd also like to give a shout out to Traci Hunter Abramson-- I believe she has had a finalist in this category for each of the last four years (an impressive accomplishment in and of itself) and Code Word was definitely the strongest Saint Squad novel I've read yet.

Speculative: Oh the Speculatives, always my Achilles' Heel. They're long. They're a little weird. They usually require readers to jump into the middle of a series and to care about some kind of alternate world. But Mormon writers have typically been known for accomplishment in two genres: Science Fiction (Speculative) and Young Adult. This year, I was surprised by how weak the category felt. I read Dan Wells's The Hollow City several months before I started reading the finalists and was underwhelmed by the turn it took in the second half of the novel (I wanted it to be a different story in a very bad way), but it was clearly the best of the bunch. The Mormon vampires and Mormon steampunk were cool ideas, but nothing else in this category hit its mark.

Young Adult: When the YA novels broke into Young Adult and Youth Speculative a few years ago, I was excited, because we've typically had such strong YA offerings that I always wondered what great books I was not getting to read. This year the books were further split into YA, Youth Speculative, and Middle Grade, and I'm not sure I like the change, because this year's YA novels, with a single exception, felt a lot like teen romances, and I'm not sure a whole category should be devoted to that genre. After a while all of the romance books blended together in my mind, so the standout for me was Jessica Martinez's The Space Between Us which had great interior tension and a really fantastic sense of place.

Youth Speculative: I learned a lot about writing books in a series by reading the Youth Speculative category this year. All of the books in the category were part of multi-book series, and in most cases I had not read all of the prior books. This fact really alerted me as a reader to how authors bring readers up to speed in a story when they haven't read the previous books. I wonder if it's a coincidence that my favorite book in the category, Brodi Ashton's Everneath, is also the only one that was the first book in the series. I don't think so, because Ashton does a great job weaving in Greek Mythology and classic literature into a story with really strong characters.

Middle Grade: I enjoyed many of the books in the middle grade category this year, but Jennifer A. Nielsen's The False Prince was such a great story, with such interesting characters and such fascinating plot twists that it really outshone the others. However, Sage, the protagonist, was a teenager wise beyond his years, which made us as readers wonder what was Middle Grade about this novel? It felt much more like a YA novel to us. It almost seems as if Middle Grade is code for fairy tale, since both False Prince and Shannon Hale's novel had a fairy tale feel (as do the books of Jessica Day George, who will probably have nominees in this category in future years).

Adult Novel of the Year: The book I enjoyed reading most was Ka Hancock's Dancing on Broken Glass.
Youth Novel of the Year: Definitely False Prince.
Best Novel by a New Author: I'm going to pull what the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences did with Ben Affleck and Argo this year. Although Ka Hancock's Dancing on Broken Glass would be eligible to win both Adult Novel of the Year and Best Novel by a New Author, I admire the lyrical quality of James Goldberg's writing so much that his Five Books of Jesus gets my vote. Not completely consistent, I know, but I'm doing it anyway.

Eli's blessing

When my great-grandmother made a christening dress for me to use for my future children, I was a preteen who would rather have gotten $20 than some weird crocheted dress.

My grandma passed away a month before Bryce was born, and by that time, I recognized the wonderful gift she had given me. He wore it for his blessing, followed by Annie, Isaac, and Maren. When we adopted Rose, I didn't think it would fit a one-year-old, but somehow we squeezed her into it.

This time, I bought an outfit that would do double duty as a blessing and sealing outfit. But last Sunday morning, I pulled out the dress. I really wanted Eli to wear it, even though I was sure it wouldn't fit. My godmother, who made the slip for the dress, has embroidered the names and birthdates of each child who has worn the dress into its hem, and I wanted Eli to be able to claim his right to it too. So I tried it.

After the blessing, we cooked hamburgers and hot dogs and ate on our patio with the people we love best.

Eli's sealing

Last year, we had a baby wedding.

I spent days perusing websites for the perfect dress for Rose to wear.

I spent more days scouring the internet for all-white clothes for the rest of us to wear.

I had Rose's picture taken ahead of time and sent out invitations.

I encouraged friends to attend, and secured the temple months in advance for a prime Saturday afternoon sealing appointment.

I hired a photographer and filled an entire wall with photos from the blessed event.

The whole family went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant after the sealing.

Like I said, a baby wedding. And it was a perfect day.

This year, my parents decided to visit a couple of weeks ago, and Ed and I looked at each other and said, "Maybe we should have Eli sealed to us while they're here."

I reserved the temple for a weeknight and told my friends they were under no obligation to attend. We changed the date a few days before when we thought he might be able to get in for surgery at the last minute.

Except for Eli, we all wore the same things as last year.

My mom was the photographer.

The whole family went to Cold Stone and got ice cream after the sealing.

When Ed and I got in bed that night, I said, "If last year we had a baby wedding, this year we had a baby elopement."

And it was still a perfect day.

Book Review: The Art Forger by B.A. Shapiro

Title: The Art Forger
Author: B.A. Shapiro
Enjoyment Rating: *****
Source: Audible
This book would be rated: PG-13 for adult themes, sexual references, and language

There are reliable narrators and unreliable narrators, and then there are narrators like Claire Roth, who you want to believe is reliable and stable, but who does such stupid things sometimes that it's hard to know what the author thinks of her. Claire earns her living by copying the works of master artists so rich people can hang them above their couches. She has an MFA and serious skills, but she also has baggage which has led her to be blackballed by the art scene. When Aiden Markel approaches her and wants her to copy a painting stolen from the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum during the 1990s heist, she reluctantly agrees, despite the illegality of the whole situation. Markel assures her that she will be protected.

While the story of what happens during the painting of the forgery, and what happens in its aftermath is compelling in and of itself, the story of what is going on in Claire's head is a lot more interesting. It's ironic that this is a book that talks so much about color, but the narrative is all shades of gray. It's a fascinating read.

Book Review: The Penitent by C. David Belt (Whitney Finalist)

Title: The Penitent
Author: C. David Belt
Enjoyment Rating: **
Whitney Finalist
This book would be rated: PG-13 for adult themes, violence, and creepiness

Vampire professors at BYU? Vampire doctors at University Hospital? Vampires teaching your child's Primary class? These are all possibilities in the world C. David Belt creates in The Penitent, where "good" vampires have freed themselves from their power to Lilith. Word of this accomplishment has spread, and now Moira and Carl Morgan, the first vampires to be sealed in the temple, must face the power of their enemies.

I thought this was an ingenious concept for a book, and I was impressed with the way Belt allowed readers to jump into the second book in the novel, but the story soon seemed like it favored outer conflict rather than the inner conflict I found so compelling in the early chapters.